This morning I found our dog G.T. laying by my car. He didn't make a move when I slammed the door shut. I went over and pet him and he barely opened him eyes. Tears began to fall and I had to leave because I couldn't handle seeing him like that. Our other dog Millie came down and laid beside him, calm as could be.
Work today was fairly good. Time flew by. I made myself sick thinking about life and things.
When I was driving down our road, about a mile away from our house, I saw James' truck parked in the yard further away from the house than usual. I knew G.T. was gone and that they were burying him. I tried preparing myself for it....as best I could. I missed my family burying him which probably was a good thing.
Soon after I went for a run/walk...I could barely see though because my eyes were so blurry from crying. I started to suddenly bawl. I haven't cried so hard since last March. I just sat down for a while and let everything out.
So many things are bothering me now and I feel like crying right now as I write this. I'm always messing crap up. I mess people's lives up and I messed up again tonight. I don't know what to do...I don't know how to fix anything....nothing just seems to go right and....ugh. I just hate this. I hate being in this position and making people mad or sad or whatever. I feel sick to my stomach because I might have just made a wrong choice..I might have just ruined my life...well not my life...I assume I'll eventually get over it.
Ugh I'm just wishing I could figure out what I want and quit over
analyzing and thinking about everything. Just go for something without even realizing it...why do I always have to bring my head into things.....why do i always listen to my head instead of my heart? There's some sort of quote...i'm going to go find it.
OMG, where is this quote?! haha...i've been searching for it under my favorite quotes....lemme keep looking.
FOUND IT! I don't even remember why this was relevant now...ugh.
"If your head tells you one thing and your heart
tells you another, before you do anything,
you should first decide whether you have
a better head or a better heart."
I don't know which one is better or healthier for me but I usually end up listening to my head...because i'm practical. and cautious. and don't want to get hurt.
"If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy."
Don't give up on me? I gotta find someone who won't...because I think i'm beginning to give up on myself.
Okay, I'm done. this is depressing. I'm depressed..and you all probably are too after reading this. This isn't me. This is some depressing girl who has taken over megan's body. Let's hope I'm fine by tomorrow? Blah. Good night.
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